Sticks and Stones and HTML

Learning to pass as a woman: easy. Learning to not be bothered by hatemongers: hard.

When I shared my latest blog entry with my friends and removed the privacy setting I had enabled to control access, I thought one or two more people might discover this blog and read it. What I didn’t expect was that someone with a far larger audience would share my life story with the world, literally. Her name is Zoe Brain.

Thanks to Zoe, I’ve had people in Australia, the UK, France and other places read about me, and it felt pretty good… until I found out about “Elizabeth.”

She maintains a blog that is highly critical of my friend, which is to say, she has denounced Zoe as a fraud and a liar. I believe Zoe, and I contend “Elizabeth’s” accusations are unfair and untrue. I said as much, publicly, on Zoe’s blog. So, it came to pass that “Elizabeth” would turn her gunsights on me and poor, little unknown “lifeafterdawn.wordpress.com.”

And when she did, hoo-boy, did the haters come out of the woodwork. She devoted two comments to attacking me, and was joined in by someone named Gina, at last check. I’m no longer checking, by the way.

But I did respond with a short post on the “Elizabeth” blog to basically say, “HEY! QUIT IT” …in the nicest possible way.

You can guess what happened next. Telling someone who attacked you to stop attacking you is the surest way to encourage them to attack you some more. It’s the same with bullies. Once they recognize that their behavior bothers you, a world of hurt is all that follows. You’d think, 40 years later, I’d have learned that by now.

So I took time to read, and re-read their hateful comments, and formulated a response. One that may never see the light of day. Even if “Elizabeth” does decide to post my point-by-point retort, I’m not continuing this debate. I have the truth on my side, and my friends. All she and her cohorts have are fear, and hatred.

And I have no doubt that this is merely batting practice for the onslaught that will descend upon me when my book comes out.

So here it is; the only change I made to her posts are to change the type to Bold Italics, for clarity. Your comments, as always, are welcome. Even those of “Elizabeth” and her minions.

Elizabeth:

You expose yourself when you post derogatory comments without even doing your homework. I have no argument with you, but I will endure your negativity one more day to respond to your questions, untruths and unfounded allegations, some of which you saw yourself can be easily answered if only you did your homework (i.e., reading my blog, or simply asking me before making a false statement).

Point by point:

“Your story is BULLSHIT.”

No it is not, it is not even a story, it is my life. Who are you to say otherwise?

“In a 3 month period you turned from male to female and all your dick and balls turned into a vagina and labia. Sure they did and the moon is made of cheese.”

I do not claim to have a vagina nor a labia and I never claimed this all happened in 3 months. The changes first appeared in 2005 and have progressed over seven years. I have medical documentation. What do you have, other than bile to spew from your foul mouth?

“I do not hate you. I simply do not believe you because it is medically impossible from both a hormonal state and a physiological state for this to happen to an adult male or any human male for that matter.”

Thank you for not hating me, and you don’t have to believe me.  But again, I ask: since I have both the documentation and the physical evidence (my body), what do you have to disprove the changes I have experienced? The best explanation from a series of doctors working on my case over several years is similar to a comment posted by “Sagebrush.” My T levels crashed. My E levels were found to be elevated, cause unknown, and have made me estrogen dominant. The effect over time is atrophy of both penile and scrotal tissue to the point of regression. Not retraction. My testes ascended and my penis is internalized within my groin area. I have had multiple forms of tests and examinations, including one beyond what any male patient has had to endure to verify these facts. And I have my body as proof. What evidence do you have to prove what I say is untrue?

“The only way what you said happened is with FFS and SRS in a 3 month period. Isn’t it odd these fantastical transformations and magical conversions happen to married men? Gee I wonder why that is.

If you had your SRS then god bless you and enjoy your life but Disney and magical kingdoms only exist in the imagined thoughts of those creating fantasies to make peoples lives more enjoyable even when they are physical entities like Disney world.”

I have had neither SRS nor FFS nor surgery of any kind, ever. I had one surgical procedure to remove a small part of a tumor from an adrenal gland to see if it was feminizing me. It was not. The operation was not a fantasy, I have records to prove it occurred. And while my features and secondary sexual characteristics have a feminine appearance, I have done nothing to physically alter the body I was born with other than a circumcision when I was an infant. I do not claim to be intersex and have documentation verifying I am a genetic male.

“Your name can only be besmirched if you are telling the truth.”

I am, and you have.

May 13, 2012 1:27 PM

Elizabeth said…

@lifeafterdawn

“Okay, I rescind the comment about FFS because if you did have it I would take legal action.”

I am grateful you rescinded your comment but I do not comprehend your attempt at either a threat or humor with this remark.

“We have retractable landing gear, retractable roofs, retractable awnings, and now we have retractable penis and balls or is that atrophied penis and balls or is it just BULLSHIT.”

I refer you to my earlier response. I am not saying “retractable.: That’s your pet word, and its use is unwarranted here.

“I prefer the bullshit scenario based on my firm belief that Occam’s Razor holds firm here.”

You can believe whatever you want to believe, but I ask that you backup your claims with evidence and/or documentation.

“Spent some time reading a little of your blog. No SRS for you but you now have an innie where your penis was or are you mistaking your asshole for your vagina? Did your scrotum magically form labia or do you just have an innie?”

I again refer you to my earlier comment in which I make clear, I have never had nor do I now claim to have a vagina and/or labia. I do know what an asshole is. And I have every confidence, from reading a little of your blog, that you are very familiar with assholes. If not, I’d be happy to show you. All I’ll need is you and a mirror.

“This sounds like a made for television movie right up the alley for a writer/producer like yourself.”

Yes, I know, it sounds preposterous. Hard to believe. And the fact that all the writing and producing I do is based solely on factual information – not fiction – is my only defense in sharing my life story. I deal in facts, not fantasy. I wish that I could make up something this outlandish, and then I would not have a care in the world. Instead, I live the life I live and deal with the consequences of what has happened to me every single day. And now I have you and your cohorts to make me feel even worse about my condition, which is unfair, unjust and just downright mean. I don’t ask you to believe me if you choose not to. But the least you can do is not call me a liar and a loon without having something other than your strong opinions to back up your derogatory accusations.

“You have a wife and kids and then this magical transformation into a “girl”. Excuse my cynicism but well as an Engineer and a Research Engineer to boot I always question why this seems to happy with a somewhat wealthy male with a wife and kids while in their 40’s or later. Funny isn’t it? You and Zoe, 40’s kid(s) wife, sudden transformation, poor wife is shocked, and so forth.”

I don’t fault you for your cynicism or your choice in careers, but where do you come off claiming I’m wealthy? Of all the statements you have made here, this is by far the most wrong thing you posted. It’s not funny. It is scientific fact that testosterone levels do drop in some males after age 40, usually later. I know both Zoe and Chloe through facebook and their individual experiences are dissimilar to mine. You’re comparing apples with oranges, with the only similarity being that they were male, and now are not. Chloe had an operation, you claim Zoe did but she denies it, and I have had none. My transformation was not sudden, nor do I claim it to be, and I have medical documentation and witnesses to support the changes I experienced. What do you have as proof of your statement? And for the second time, I ask you, where do you get off thinking you can mock my wife? She is harmless in this and deserves pity and kudos for being as supportive as she can as the man she loves changes into someone she no longer recognizes, against his will. You have no standing whatsoever to cast aspersions against her, and I would ask that if you choose to respond, you show some dignity in apologizing for including her in your attack on me. Say what you want about me; this is not her fight.

“You might want to push for the movie rights on the Science/Fantasy channel called SyFy or maybe even Logo because if they can promote RuPaul you could boost the male transvestite fantasy viewing numbers.”

Thanks for the tip. You above all people seem to know all about fantasy, of this I have no doubt.

This is your space to blog about what you want and who you want. I have no recourse other than to deny your cruel comments and respond with the truth. If you choose not to post this, that is your right. If you choose to respond, or not, I have no further interest in continuing an unwinnable argument. It’s your call what happens next. I only ask that you consider that there are things beyond what you know, experiences that cannot be explained, and know from my heart that I never harbored a desire for this change. I did not grow up fantasizing about becoming a woman someday, nor did I ever felt trapped in a male body. But after years of living as a male trapped in a body that has become more female over time, after years of fighting the changes without success and with no answers on reversing this, I have adapted to the changes as best as I can.

You can assure Gina that the photographs of me on my blog show more than a few pictures in which I am wearing a sweater and you do not see cleavage, As I have grown more comfortable with my appearance, I have learned to dress appropriately for my body, and I’ve never heard a complaint before about how I dressed. I’m no longer a male fighting to stop being female. I’m a female who has learned to accept who I am, and yet I am willing to conceal it again, to keep my marriage intact.

You can assure Gina I was never a transvestite. What I do now to conceal my true features could be considered cross-dressing since I must appear as male as possible. No easy task, I assure you. And I don’t read gay or TS fiction so I’m not familiar with the stories she refers to. It’s her choice to believe it, or not.  Tell Gina, my life story is my own, and I would not presume to publicly second-guess hers without some evidence to the contrary.

I close with a thank you for at least reading part of my blog and allowing me to at least submit this lengthy response. As I indicated, what happens next is up to you.

Sincerely.

Dawn