With or Without Me

So, this is who I am:

 

A homewrecker.

Someone who has caused a marriage of 15 years to disintegrate and challenged a 25-year friendship built on trust and affection. Now both lay in ruins, all because I exist.

I didn’t ask for this, nor does it make me happy. But if I am ignored and stifled, there’s no guarantee I won’t make everyone miserable all over again.

I demand to be dealt with, and fairly. I deserve attention and more than that, I would like to be loved, or at least cared for. I cannot help but be me. And hating me just for being me doesn’t make me go away.

As evening comes, the conciliatory language fades and combative dialogue commences. Words are exchanged like cannonfire. Broken hearts are trampled anew and tears flow beyond the point I thought anyone had the capability of crying.

There are no winners, all losers. Even me.

A sacrifice to live with me is spurned, a sacrifice to ignore me is rejected, and so everyone on all sides is sad, beaten-down, depressed and anxious about what comes next.

 

4 thoughts on “With or Without Me

  1. Dawn,
    I know how you feel. After 21 years of marriage and 23 years of friendship, I know that my marriage is dissolving because of being me. The friendship is still there, and it is strong, but I see my wife mourning the loss of her husband, and my daughter, the loss of her dad.

    I am about to start seeing a therapist, which I hope will get me through my own sorrows at the loss of what we have. My wife has always known this time would come, but it arrived a little sooner than anticipated. She thought it would be after our daughter graduated college within the next few years.

    I know my wife is angry at times, but the good times are there and even out those rough patches. We laugh and cry. She comments on other guys (on television) and tells me I will find someone when the time comes. What she isn’t grasping is that I love her. I have never looked at another woman (or man) in any manner of emotional intimacy. I cannot fault my wife for leaving when the time comes. I may become a lesbian, but she isn’t attracted to women. I think I will have strong friendships the rest of my life, but never have anyone to replace (or even come in 2nd place) the love of my life.

    Part of my family knows, and when I tell my parents (which scares me to death), I will begin living full time. Currently it is about 90% or so.

    Not that good thoughts can help, but know that I am thinking of you and all of m thoughts are with you. I hope my positivity reaches you.

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    • Jennifer – we are very much alike! I’ll be thinking of you and pray for both of us! Keep in touch. I’m on facebook ( Dawn McGovern )

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  2. Your story–and Jennifer’s are so alike–and so like the stories of other transgender women–it makes me weep. If we were who we are by choice, perhaps these losses would make more sense, but the only choice (at least for me) was either to embrace who I was or die–metaphorically at first, then eventually literally when the despair became so overwhelming I seriously considered suicide. My heart goes out to you. This time in your life is so hard…and it’s not going to get easier any time soon. But please know…it can, and it does…eventually. Many have gone before us. We can do this too. Sending you light…Karen.

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