The Word Is Transgender… Not Trans-Jenner

11178376_10206498349237647_6212748240193972348_nRelax: this is not yet another analysis of what Bruce Jenner said, and like most everyone else, I am using male pronouns because that appears to be what he and his family want, and I respect that. If that changes, I’ll follow suit.

What this is, will likely take you by surprise. Buckle up, buttercup.

Earlier this year I wrote a plea that we needed to let Jenner tell us what if anything he was doing, even though it seemed pretty damn clear he was undergoing a gender transition. Now that he has spoken and confirmed that, it’s time for a follow-up.

And as I did before, I am going to devote more words to me and my experience rather than to his, because even if you didn’t watch all two hours — which I did, my spouse did, even my kids did (most of it, at least; they fled as soon as Diane Sawyer started talking about the Kardashians) — even if you avoided all the articles, you probably have an idea that Bruce Jenner confirmed he is trans. He actually said: “I am a woman.”

But am I?

Whoa — what? Is this another bout of amnesia? Am I going “back and forth” again?!? Perhaps I am a Time Lord as one of my friends calls me, or I’m “waffling” again as another friend ribbed me to no end?

No, I’m just being honest, which is what I’ve always been, and by the way: you cannot tell me I am wrong, because this is about how I feel. And how I feel is how I feel. If you still think I’m wrong after reading the rest, well, that’s why we have horse races, as my grandfather liked to say.

So back to my question: am I a woman?

I’m not denying I am trans, and no, really: I am not detransitioning. I am not denying my mind and my soul are female and that I feel very much in sync with the female gender. I enjoy my femininity and I’m not ashamed to say so, just as I never despised being a male or any part of my former male identity. I was assigned male at birth. And 40 years later, there came a time in which, after a long struggle, I stopped fighting, I stopped pretending and embraced that my true gender is female and that although I could present as male, it didn’t feel natural. It no longer fit me.

But if I’m not a man, does that make me a woman? Well, if someone else assigned male at birth lays claim to being a woman, I’ll take them at their word. I’m only asking about me. And please note: I am not using the adjective “real” here, as if to differentiate between a woman and a “real woman.” That’s offensive, in my book. We are all of us real… some more than others!

11150410_10206435085336089_2894930514843387634_nMy body has undergone very distinct and gender appropriate changes (without the benefit of surgery). I’ve got a face that appears feminine enough, wide hips, a healthy butt and generous boobs. I’ve lactated; I could have nursed if I chose to. Sitting down (or squatting) to pee is my only option without making a mess; no more writing my name in the snow for me!

And my instincts are distinctly, if not stereotypically, feminine: I prefer collaboration to confrontation; I’m a gatherer and a listener; I find shopping therapeutic; I’m in control of my emotions but it doesn’t take much for me to feel empathy or to cry; I have close female friends who I treasure, and I enjoy our ability to share our misadventures without judgment; I am strong, but I can be my own worst enemy, and my maternal drive is fine tuned. I watch over my kids like a hawk, anticipating their needs and reveling in how I can provide for them, from sustenance to spirit-building. I am not their mom; they have a wonderful mother who loves them and cares for them equally if not more. But it’s clear to my kids, who still call me “dad,” that I’m a lot more than just their dad.

Perhaps given all these facts you need to consider me as something separate, something like… “transgender woman.”

It does fit; to every woman who grew up as a girl, to every girl who aspires to be a woman, and to every mother and grandmother and wife and daughter, I can sense what you feel and I can understand what that feeling means to you… but I cannot feel as you do.

I don’t know what a period feels like, even though I’ve had stomach cramps and PMS-like hormone-driven mood swings and cravings. I’ll never know what it’s like to feel life growing within me, to carry a child inside me or to bring a baby into the world. I have only a small sense of the incredible humongous exaltation that intercourse and orgasm must be like for a woman; that is something I hope to be able to fully experience someday.

And then? Well, then, certainly I should be entitled to declare, “I am woman.”

I will not say, “hear me roar.”

Let me be clear: I am not claiming someone needs to be a mother to be a woman, nor that a vagina is what defines a human being as a woman. It’s what’s between our ears not our legs that defines our gender. Me included. I just think the difference between “woman” and “transgender woman” is one worth noting, when appropriate. 

Just as you might say bald white guy, or red-headed woman or Asian child, it’s rarely necessary to point out the difference, and downright wrong to discriminate based on those differences. 

But treating everyone fairly as fellow human beings doesn’t erase our differences, and shouldn’t! I’m Irish. I am right-handed and have blue eyes. Does that matter? Not particularly. 

But when and if it does, I’ll gladly say, that’s me. The same applies to my womanhood.

So, If someone calls me a woman or picks up on the obvious visual cues, and sees me as a woman, I won’t correct them. But I also won’t deny I am a transgender woman. In some circumstances, I do sometimes out myself as trans because it’s relevant or necessary. I’m lucky that in most cases, it’s not, and I don’t feel compelled to share my personal life with acquaintances or strangers.

So, stranger… why am I sharing this with you?

Because I felt it necessary to underscore what Jenner and the awesome team at ABC News made clear: that being trans is just another way to be. We bleed, we sing, we feel heartbreak, we feel joy. We want to be loved, and when love is not possible, or offered, many of us would be happy to settle for being accepted and understood. We know what it feels like to have love withdrawn, to have a phone conversation end abruptly. We share the pain of feeling a door slammed in our face or a punch landing on our jaw. Some of us have been raped, beaten, stabbed, shot, burned, tortured, mutilated and murdered.

Because we’re trans.

Jenner is among us now, and I for one welcome him, and embrace the struggle that in some ways, perhaps many ways, matched my own.

Bruce-Jenner-interview-x400But we are not Bruce Jenner, folks. He’s not us. He said very clearly he is not our spokesperson and wants to do good, and all that is very welcome.

No one is asking him to be our icon, our standard bearer, our hero. And the hope is that the media publicity machine won’t try to do that, despite Kardashian evidence to the contrary.

I encourage Jenner to listen, and not talk, so he can learn about others’ experiences, about trans women of color, about trans men, about the children whose parents can’t accept them as trans, and the supportive moms and dads who worry their child will never really be happy because of transphobia and prejudice. I hope he keeps praying, as I have, knowing God loves us. Even us.

And he will make mistakes. God knows I have, and I am blessed to know His forgiveness. As Jenner said, I have apologized for my life, to everybody, and I will keep doing so as each day adds to another in a string of days living true. April 29th will mark two years since I chose my name and made it my own, forever.

I won’t deny Jenner his right to call himself a woman, or anyone else. I don’t think of myself as “less than” because I prefer to use the term “transgender woman.”  As a journalist whose job is to parse those kinds of differences, I feel better having done so.

But given that my job is to tell stories, let us now find those whose stories must be told, in addition to Bruce’s. My dear friend Jennell Jaquays offered a laundry list of transgender men and transgender women whose lives matter and merit a spotlight twice as big as the one in Malibu. A trans woman writer I’ve known longer than almost any other, Ina Fried, compared this moment Jenner has created to the one Ellen brought about, when at last it was okay to be gay; the hope is the same could happen to those like Ina and me who are transgender.

Let’s remember that after Ellen came out, we moved on, and learned our gay neighbor is just another neighbor, that the lesbian who works in the cubicle across the way isn’t anything more or less than another co-worker.

And me? I’m on my way to being just another woman. But today, I am a transgender woman, and have been for awhile now.

Still, I would be grateful to you for thinking of me as… just another woman.

11046378_10206428533692302_2786928928095290804_oLove,

Dawn

XOXO

8 thoughts on “The Word Is Transgender… Not Trans-Jenner

  1. So well written, Dawn. I’d like to feature this post on T-Central, with your OK.

    For the record, the Dateline/Jenner special did better than a 40 share in households. As a member of the fourth estate, I get doing this on the second day of the May book. As a transsexual, I feel it is shameless and shameful exploitation of “us” in general.

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    • Thank you, Callie, and I appreciate your featuring my blog on T-central.

      Yeah, as soon as they announced the date of the special I knew this was a stunt bit let’s agree the stunt was well executed and they really did a good job explaining what trans is to America.

      PS Dateline is NBC… This was a 20/20 special on ABC, and a lot of my friends did a very impressive job. I’m proud of them!

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      • Caitlyn Jenner & RuPaul are ruining my LGBT life, NOT helping it!

        I’m just a guy in a skirt in L.A., trying to make it thru the daily grind like everyone else, but the outrageous antics of Jenner and RuPaul have cast WARY NEGATIVE feelings towards me, and made it impossible for ME to live peacefully and calmly in MY OWN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS!

        My name is Gregg, I am LGBT and I Self-Identify as Two-Spirit (see Wikipedia).

        Basically, I am a girl spirit living in a boy’s body. (LIKE Bruce Jenner and RuPaul say they are)

        Like most Two-Spirit’s, even tho I have a boy’s body, I have led a life within the “traditionally” female world. (UNLIKE Bruce Jenner and RuPaul have lived)

        For 28 years, I was “mom”! My ex and I had a role reversal marriage, where she worked outside the home and I did ALL the cooking, cleaning, diapers, toilet-training, teaching to walk and talk. I was in the PTA and a parent Rep on several School Board Committees! I NEVER had a Housekeeper nor Nanny!

        In 2009, my youngest married and moved out, so I moved to L.A. to start a new chapter in my life. My first two jobs were as a Housekeeper and a Manny (male nanny), TRADITIONALLY FEMALE jobs!

        As a Two-Spirit, I prefer to wear female associated clothing (i.e. cami’s, skirts and dresses), which was never a problem…until now!

        In 2013, I re-entered the “workforce” and I got my present job at Hollywood Piano (Graphic Design, Receptionist, Salesperson).

        (Here’s where Mr. Jenner and RuPaul are causing me harm)

        Even tho I own very nice, business appropriate clothing, neither my boss (who IS OPENLY Gay) nor employer (who IS ALSO OPENLY Gay) will not let me wear a dress or skirt to work!
        Even tho my clothing is by far, newer, cleaner, of higher style than theirs (they do not wear suit nor ties!), I must dress like a boy!!.. 😦

        WHY? Because of the Bruce Jenner’s and RuPauls!

        When a “normal” person sees a man in a skirt/dress, they assume he’ s a RuPaul Drag Queen: flamboyant, outrageous, filled with sexual-innuendo, -or- a Transitioning Bruce Jenner: acting shady by playing hide-and-seek games with the paparazzi and exploiting the media! Two NOT very “normal” or Business Appropriate images!… 😦

        I need to stress: I have nothing against, RuPaul or Mr. Jenner! They have been granted the same Constitutional Rights to be themselves as I have…BUT just that their ACTIONS are definitely having a NEGATIVE EFFECT on MY LIFE!!

        And the irony is: they BOTH think, they are helping the LGBT community to integrate into society! The reality is: their behavior and antics are doing just the REVERSE!…(as I said: even my GAY boss and owner are scared at what people think EVEN tho I am dressed AND ACT Business Appropriate!)

        In an effort to be accepted as me – a guy in a skirt in L.A., I just self-published a Fashion/Photography book: Selfies of Me in Skirts in L.A. (available on Amazon.com).

        In my book, I am trying to make two points very clear:

        I am not a Drag Queen, like RuPaul…Drag Queens, wear fake breasts and wigs, extreme make-up and adopt outlandish personalities and assumed names! I am a real person; no wigs, fake breasts – nothing outlandish or bizarre – the same Gregg in a skirt as in pants, but I prefer skirts!.. 🙂

        I am not Transitioning, like Bruce Jenner, using my Star-Power and fame to test the uncertain waters of self-identity and expression.

        Basically, I am happy with my body and see no need to surgically modify myself.

        IMHO, M. Jenner and RuPaul are confusing Sexual Orientation with Gender Orientation, thus the need for fake breasts and an artificial vagina!

        I happily AND successfully “mothered” my own four children, and other families children with a penis and NO breasts!! But that’s just my opinion… 🙂

        ANYWAY, there are many Transgendered & Non-Transgender teens and adults who feel the same as I do, but in TV and Movies are only represented by the outlandish stereo-types portrayed by the RuPaul’s and Bruce Jenner’s of the world.
        I am trying to be a role model of normalcy for them!.. 🙂

        PLEASE, PLEASE, help me and the tens of thousands like me, who are trying to be accepted by society, by showing our side, our fate, and how we are being UNFAIRLY STEREOTYPED by the actions of a few media-hounds.

        Thank You, Gregg Shore
        1304 N. Hayworth Ave., #3
        W. Hollywood, CA 90046
        kstny@kstny.com
        http://www.kstny.com
        Instagram.com/kstny
        LookBook.com/kstny
        424-279-8989

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  2. Well spoken, Dawn, as always. Interesting you should refer to yourself as a “transgender woman.” Others (I am speaking here of mtf women) identify with other descriptors, such as “woman who happens to be trans,” or simply “woman.” They all seem to indicate gradations along the spectrum, which of course should matter not at all to anyone other than the person herself. These various ways of speaking of ourselves, do, however, reflect a great deal of our inner lives. Like yourself, I refer to myself as “a transgender woman.” It seems to be the most comfortable fit for me. Yes, I am a woman–albeit a different kind of woman, as Jenny Boylan has said, but my consciousness of being trans is always present, as well. Perhaps this will change over time, and I will come to think of myself as simply “a woman,” but I suspect not. Being trans has brought me great gifts, perhaps greatest of all, my joy in in my womanhood. Had I been born female, I think I might well have lived my life conscious only of the oppression that women face. My womanhood–my “trans” womanhood–is informed by the pain I have left behind. I am a transgender woman. I am grateful to stand here, like yourself, in the brightness. I am grateful, as I suspect you are, too, for the memory of the shadow.

    Liked by 1 person

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